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WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

This probably one of the stupidest movies I’ve ever watched. I should’ve listened to myself when I thought the title was corny. “I know who killed me” is so horrible it could cause brain damage to viewers.

The story starts with heroine Audrey Fleming: simple, pianist, writer; stereo-typical good girl. She one day gets kidnapped by a limb tearing serial killer who’s obsessed of the color blue. But when she was found, with the expected limbs cut off but still alive, she denies being Audreybut insists that she is Dakota Moss, a foul-mouthed stripper who’s the complete opposite of their darling Audreyand also happens to be the lead character in the novel Audrey was writing.

Multiple personalities? Mistaken identities?  No. If you thought this movie has a deeper meaning than that poster, you are totally mistaken.

Maybe I’ve just watched too many CSI, Numbers, and Criminal Minds episodes but the FBI’s in this movie just seemed plain stupid. Dakota Moss kept insisting over and over again that she is not Audrey and they don’t even try to confirm it. Sure, she sounded crazy but still. They could’ve compared DNA samples, checked her background. For people who are so keen to catch a serial killer, they seemed to be feeling too lazy to explore all the points in Dakota’s story and just insisted that she was lying.

And then right in the middle of the movie Dakota suddenly comes to the conclusion that she has a twin sister. How? Because she found a video in the internet telling her that Stigmata occurs between twins… Yes, that’s all the convincing she needed.

Neil McDonough (The only other person I recognized) played Audrey’s father who revealed to Dakota that she is indeed Audrey’s twin sister and without a moment’s notice helps Dakota in a wild goose chase, never even thinking that “Hey! Maybe the FBI wanted in on the big secret.”

It doesn’t even help that the actors seemed weary of their lines. It looked like they didn’t want to be there at all. Lindsay Lohan sounded funny, I’m sorry that’s the only adjective I could come up with as of now. In fairness I didn’t really find time to observe her I was too busy trying to take my eyes off her boobs. It’s just so distracting, every time Lohan appears on screen the first thing I see are her boobs. I suppose it was right for them not to let her take off her top (although I expected she would, with the strip teasing and all). If she flashes everyone watching the movie no one would be able to pay attention. But then again the script is crap so they should’ve just let the men have something for their money, it’s not like she hasn’t shown her boobs to the public before.

The killer? I’ll give you a hint, and I’ll borrow a line from my favorite columnist Jessica Zafra: If you’ve watched enough suspense/thrillers you’ll find out who the killer is in the first ten minutes of the movie.

If you plan to watch this, wear earplugs. That way your I.Q. won’t leak out of your ears.

 

 

 

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